Save the Drama for your Mama

1.

In America, we are fortunate enough to be equipped with the skills to disarm social conflict early in life. Our education in this area doesn’t come from teachers or parents, but rather from a fabled expression ringing through the playgrounds and the tight confines of school hallways: “Save the drama for your Mama.”

Those unfamiliar with the axiom might have some trouble understanding exactly how it works and what it means. “Save the drama for your mama” quite literally translates into: “You are mad and have a problem with me? You march that problem straight out the door and tell it to your Mama.” In action it might look something like this:

A young boy named Armando comes up to Jamie and says: “Why didn’t you pick me for your team?” To which Jamie responds “Whoa whoa. Save the drama for your Mama.” Before Armando is able to launch an emotional tirade at Jamie, Jamie has successfully quelled the conflict. Jamie has in essence skirted around the issue by 1.) putting Armando in the hypothetically tedious situation of waiting to get home before he can seek the council of his mother about the best way to respond to Jamie and the disagreement at hand and 2.) calling him a drama queen.

These simple words and their outcome essentially form the basis for American conflict resolution. But that is neither here nor there. What’s important is to understand that this saying usually isn’t meant to be literal. It's idle banter. You aren’t actually supposed to save the drama for your mama.

2.

Now, a few days ago in a school, I was taught a valuable lesson when saving the drama for your mama literally occurs. We were playing matches at the end of one of our sessions. The ball in my match shot out from a group of kids and bounced off of my foot. Nothing malicious on my part, just an accidental touch in a “fun” match. But if you know Israeli children, they are passionate about winning. Their desire to win in football is especially pronounced. Anything that could be perceived as aiding in a loss or going against their team is seen as the most heinous of offenses. I’ve watched entire matches erupt into furious debate, children yelling and screaming, locked in a battle to pull the ball away from each other, because one child claimed it was his team’s throw-in, to which the other team did not agree. So inevitably, when the ball hit my foot, red team saw it as a pernicious act trying to undermine their victory.

(Me trying to calm a kid down - not the kid featured in this blog post though!)

“DON’T TOUCH, DON’T TOUCH BALL!!” screamed across the playground. One kid ran towards me waving his arms wildly to emphasize the meaning of his message. I shrugged my shoulders and explained as best I could it was an accident, but he had already incurred my injustice. He turned his back and stomped off. Normally, I would have pulled him aside and had a word. But in the 27 C heat, on a Thursday (our Friday), during the 5th straight hour of coaching, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I waited patiently on the side until the ball rolled towards me again. And touched it.

The same kid was incredulous. He threw his hands into the air and started marching about the court screaming. In the midst of his sermon, an opposing player dribbled by him and scored. Strike three. He stormed off the court. The world had ended. But the event hadn’t.

The bell rang and the kids shuffled back to class. As we started our final session, I noticed the PE teacher speaking on the phone. She gesticulated with her free hand, clearly caught in the midst of an explanation. I wandered over towards her and asked if everything was alright. Turns out, the young boy from the previous class had "actually" saved the drama for his mama. After angrily leaving the match, he had called his mother (who was a teacher at the school but was absent on the day in question), who in turn called the PE teacher. The mother had been informed by her son that he had been treated unfairly in a match by the coach. The PE teacher tactfully described what had happened. After she hung up, the PE teacher received another phone call, this time from the boy’s dad. Apparently he had saved the drama for his dad as well. The PE teacher relayed a similar message. Having hung up for the second time, the teacher appeared to have assuaged any tension caused by the incident. Yet we weren’t finished. The parents had called each other and discussed the repercussions for the boy’s actions. They called the PE teacher back and asked her to bring the boy out and discuss his behavior. The teacher explained to me the real issue was his inability to deal with losing. The boy was called forth to apologize. I too did my part and said sorry. We hugged it out and all was better. Over an hour later, the case was closed.

What sort of lessons did I garner from this experience? Again, it highlighted Israeli children’s intense desire to win in football, an issue teachers have discussed at length with Matt and me. The children's disposition to argue and quarrel because of football has increasingly led to playground fights and behavioral problems in the classroom. The saga also made apparent the need to quell any football related conflict on the spot. Obviously I shouldn't have touched the ball a second time. Instead, after the first incident, I should brought the kid aside and made ammends. Besides, as I've finally learned after 25 years, its best to deal with conflict head on and not to "save the drama for your mama."

Sidenote: In the age of cell phones, "save the drama for your mama" doesn't hold the same weight as it used to. The drama doesn’t have to be saved and can in fact be literally passed with immediacy to the mama. What was once a triumph in diffusing conflict has been rendered worthless by technology.

#Israël